How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
