So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
