he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
