I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
