I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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