I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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