i just wanna soil my oats bro
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
