Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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