My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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