It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
