So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
