i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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