The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
