so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
