Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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