I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
