then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize