she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
