TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
