I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
