Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
