How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
