Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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