Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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