Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My cat gives me a boner
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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