just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
