Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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