Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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