I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
