If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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