Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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