He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
