I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize