Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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