i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
what day is it and did you see me today?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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