Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
