guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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