I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
