If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
