Fine. I'll sleep in my office
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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