Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
