my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
