he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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