There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
