My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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