Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
