I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
