haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
did i just pee glitter
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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