my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
