The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
