Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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