I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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