I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
