i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
