Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
