Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's get the cat blown out
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
