I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he thought i was a dude.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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