Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
