It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
