I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
