new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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